Broken Wings

So often we seem to be tied to our past.  We either bind ourselves or others restrain our forward movement with reminders of yesterday.   We continue to limp along, broken wings and all, until we either give up or learn to break free.

It isn’t easy, in fact it could be the hardest thing you ever do.  It requires cutting the ties that bind, leaving behind the known and embracing the unknown.  It is trusting yourself, something we survivors have difficulty in doing.  I mean, we’ve made so many wrong/bad decisions in the past on who to love, how to love, and when to love, that we no longer trust ourselves to love at all.  Solitude becomes our friend.

We overload our lives so we don’t have time to think.  When we do have time to think, we can’t get back out of our heads and start down that spiraling slide all over again.  People close to us think we are crazy.   But the video loop was started and we can’t find the stop button.  Instead all of our mistakes, our flaws are replayed over and over and over again in our heads.  People close to us don’t know what to do to help.  Some choose to give up and leave us, some attempt to help but wind up making it worse, and some just stand silently by until we pull ourselves out.

I wish I had some great advice for you, but I don’t.  I’ve been stuck in my loop for almost two weeks now.  It’s taking its toll on me and those around me.  They don’t know what to do to help me, and I don’t know how to tell them how to help me.  All I know is the voices in my head are loud right now, drowning out the good.  It has to stop.  If it doesn’t, I could lose everything.

My first step – make it through my work day today.

My second step – get back to the positives – walking, singing, allowing myself to enjoy the good

My third step – stop allowing my frustrations and emotions to build up.  trust myself to talk to others.

I need to get out of my head and into my life.  That is the only way to stop the replay, to move on, and move forward.  I know that movie will always be cued up and ready to wreak havoc, but I also know I am stronger than an old piece of film.  I will not let it destroy my present nor my future.

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