On My Own

I’ve never been on my own.  I never thought I could be on my own.  I was trained, brainwashed, and convinced I wasn’t smart enough to do it.  So I went from parents, to man, to man, to man.  It was embedded in my brain, in my ver soul I had to have a man in order to survive.

The past four years, my mindset has changed.  I began to see the reality, which is I am smart enough.  I’m a hard worker, I’m smart, innovative, and have a great work ethic.  I worked my way into being able to leave a relationship in which I was miserable.

When I moved out, I was ecstatic.  I had a place I could decorate however I wanted.  I didn’t have to answer to anyone about anything I wanted to do.  It was amazing.

Then, a month into a new job, I was told I wasn’t working out.  It wasn’t my work ethic, I wasn’t coming in late, or not working hard enough.  He just didn’t think we “meshed”.   This was after I spent a month hearing nothing but complaints about every little thing I did.  What it boiled down to was resentment.  He felt pressured into hiring me at a wage he didn’t really want to pay so he made it impossible for me to succeed.  Luckily I found another job quickly, but as a deep pay cut.  Which means continuing to work a second job, and possibly having to find a third job somehow.

All that work I made on my self-esteem, all that positive momentum I had going was in jeopardy of going down the drain.   Maybe I wasn’t good enough, smart enough.  Maybe I couldn’t do it on my own.  I began to doubt myself all over again.   I had a panic attack while driving to my second job one day.  I can’t do this.  I’m tired of being knocked down.  How am I going to get all my bills paid now?  I just can’t do this anymore.  I couldn’t stop crying.

So, what happened?  Well I wish I could say some miracle happened.  That I won the lottery or got a huge bonus.  No, nothing of the sort.  Instead, I took two days off.  I spent time mourning my losses.  I let myself wallow, cry, and feel pitiful.  The next day I got up and decided to find ways to deal with the issues at hand.  I started emailing, making phone calls.  Things still aren’t completely resolved.  I still have a rough road ahead of me.  The difference is, I believe in myself again.

Those of us who suffered abuse in the past, need to remember to take care of ourselves, take time for ourselves, and sometimes, let ourselves be sad.  We don’t have to pretend anymore.  Life is about ups and downs, laughs and tears.   It’s ok to be sad, angry, and yes even have a pity party for yourself once in a while.  Just make sure you don’t let yourself fall into that pit of despair again.  Whenever life knocks you down, you can get back up.  You are smart enough, good enough, and you deserve the best!  Life is not without struggles.  It is not the struggle that defines us, but the way we face the struggles that shows the world who we truly are.

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